Hermit Math by Scott Wesley Boehner

Hermit Math is a segment for all of the single people who struggle to fit into this society full of forced interaction, pop culture bombardment, flash-in-the-pan fashion trends, and long-winded sentences. A glimpse into the brain of the over-analytical. A formula to help you along your reclusive path.

This week:

I love my cats. They drink. They piss. They eat. They shit. They chill. They ignore me when they feel like it, and I do the same to them. It’s important to have them around as a constant reminder of how simple life can be and yet still enjoyable.

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I’ve always enjoyed chess. It’s a good lesson in looking ahead towards the future. At the height of my flip phone chess career, I remember challenging a middle school kid to a match during his homeroom period (I was substitute teaching at the time and he was being super cocky). He kicked my ass in like 15 moves. That was a good lesson in humility.

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I’m recently divorced and newly single. “Striking out” is something I never thought I’d deal with again. Life is strange, though, and I’m ready to face these numerous, quick-fire rejections before I make a meaningful connection with a lady. When I played little league baseball growing up, I got beamed ALL THE TIME because I was a lefty facing righty pitchers. They would throw these ridiculous fastballs. I’d get nailed in the back, fight back my preteen tears, and take my base. So maybe instead of striking out, I’ll just get insulted, fight back my late-twenties tears, then get to first base? We’ll see.